Friday, July 30
its friday! :) i feel much better this friday as compared to the last. haha. pms really gets me down these days. annyyway, yes i was supposed to start orientation today. but then (a) i overslept, (b) i either have to wear a red tshirt or a blue tshirt, (c) open bidding closes at 3pm today so i have to keep an eye on it because its my first time cors-ing so i dont really know the average winning bid and (d) i have a class reunion tonight.
ohyes the red and blue tshirt thing. jonathan called first to tell me i have to wear a red tshirt. haha i only have white tshirts. yeah ratty tatty white tshirts suitable for orientation games. then half an hour later, john calls me up (at which i said, oh! jonathan issit? and he grumpily replied, no, just JOHN. haha oops.) and tells me to wear a blue tshirt. so im like huh. oh haha ok. i belong to red AND blue team. which makes *wink* purple!
ya i really wanted to go for orientation because i thought i needed to actively start making friends. but maybe i'll start actively making friends tomorrow instead? bidding is so confusing that i think its a greater priority for me to work it out first.
oh and by the way, yes i failed my driving test on wednesday. sigh. i didnt release my handclutch when i drove off. and stalled thrice just within the first 30 seconds of my test. flustered me so badly that i stuttered out "i fail already ha?" and the tester was like glaring at me for the entire horrible half n hour. and i drove so fast i felt like going to just go off the road somewhere along the way. arrrrgh.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:02 AM
Wednesday, July 28
i have long long long long correspondences with felix via email. is that bad?
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:06 AM
i went out for dinner with becky and veron at holland v yesterday! haha and i had fun! it was like, the first time ive really spoken to veron about something other than math or bio. since she was so zai at both. haha..and so ive so totally gotten over my irrational fear of her smartness. haha..
yesterday i had a very very complex train ride. first i went to bukitgombak from tanahmerah. for driving. then i got on from bukitgombak again to bukitbatok to submit my debit card thingies at dbs. then i got back onto the train and went down to yiochukang to collect my a level cert (finally) from aj. then i went back to clementi so i could meet becky and veron at school. hahaha my ezlink is wiped clean now.
so anyway, when i was on the train, i saw this group of malay guys. then at another stop, 2 others came on. so one of them knew this group. so he did the handshaking thing with the rest. but the other younger boy didnt know them, and he was very shy, as i deduced from his awkwardness. but eventually he went over to do the handshaking thing also, because thats what's expected of you after all. i think its nice they have something mandatory to break social ineptness. like when i meet my friends who are with other friends, i dont really like say anything, except hi. which sounds lame when the word dangles between spaces and chasms of empty silence. or like when i see people i know, but dont really know, or people i know, but am not sure i recognise, etc. all these weird little scenarios, i always have to debate with myself whether to bother saying hi. but if we were all
expected to do something like say hi or shake hands, then it would eradicate all this needless wondering, right? well thats what i think anyway..haha
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
10:20 AM
Tuesday, July 27
im so glad ive got rachel and arun and becky and arun's friend to help me along with cors. and the dozens other people who keep telling me about biddings and laptops. and everything else. hehe. i thought it sounded really really complicated at first, but then when i went into the system armed with my new password and matric no, then everything sorta sparkled. brightly. like OHHHHH so this is how you do this. im still abit confused haha but less confused. and on laptops, the salesmen yesterday were extraordinarily weird. like..
"you really should get an ibm laptop. you know why? cos ibm lappies have METAL HINGES. not like fujitsu and toshiba.. *bitchy look* THOSE have PLASTIC hinges only. and they will wear out in time. TRUST ME."
and..
(on when he uses his laptop) "oh oh OH! *beam* when im sitting in the first row, i can MSN my friend sitting at the BACK ROW!" *another truimphant smile*
and the apple salesman was not much better. he spent AGES and AGES showing us the iphotos and itunes and ieverything. and then my friend asked so what programs can we use for school. and he was like "hmm.......VERY good question. well you see..er, well, you have to install microsoft office. for 250 bucks."
haha!
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:29 AM
Monday, July 26
i matriculated today with rachel. hehe it was quite fun. i got asked to be a pageant contestant! haha. but ofcourse whether i get shortlisted is another thing. cos its like based on photo. and im noctoriously unphotogenic. not that i think im pretty. but i think i look worse in photos? haha. anyway, yes, i met joey there! haha joey's such a character. but she's one of the crazier people from aj who are normal and speak english well. haha! and who isnt on a lifelong pursuit of clean clear fair skin unlike most of the other girls..lol and i like her! so its good. i met some people like evelyn and christie and yeah im significantly less scared of going to school now. haha but i think arts is a bit of an embarrassment. from what i hear, the most overdone question is "eh! arts! WHY are u in arts!?" (with "i thought u were smarter than that" being the underlying meaning..lol) ohyeah. so im going to join sailing and wakeboarding! haha. i cant wait! hiphop dance? maybe. im bit stiff. both from being ballet-educated. and from not dancing for ages. haha. its like the time i went for tap lessons during ballet summer school. and i just couldnt click the clicketyclacks, because i was too busy holding my posture and legs and stuff - how to click!? hehe. so yeah then i went to meet mark at orchard. haha his normally nice flawless complexion is marred by 3 zits today. i so couldnt help but notice them. haha. bermuda triangle. i tried to refrain from commenting on them. but i drew the line at being subtle when he started picking at them. i had to ask him what he was doing and slap away the itchy hand. then he told me his friend asked him to act in some short film. then his voice suddenly dropped a notch. "
but it requires one kissing scene.." ohhkay. haha. but he reassures me i can be there if i want to. and er, no sorry, if ure going to kiss your screen lover, i dont wanna be there, really. haha. then he shows me the script. and its so ohmigod cheesy. and guess where its being set? rjc. haha. nuts man. but mark thought it was a very abstract cheem script and he kept marvelling at the apparent genius of his friend. so i just diam. diam and pretend to be just as impressed haha. so his character is called chris. and chris is supposed to kiss vicky. eventhough he has a girlfriend called serene. haha lame. but nevermind. i dont quite like the idea of him kissing vicky in scene 2 and having his arm round serene in scene 4. but hm....how shall i put it? its hard to control, yknow? lol
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:16 PM
Sunday, July 25
sneaky and unorthodox spying has unearthed the biggest shocker of my life yet. felix hit on some girl last year. october 2003. that was my a-level period. when the girl studies, the guy comes out to play. damn him. im so angry angry angry furious repulsed now. to think that i still miss him like mad. and time after time, evidence after evidence just keeps popping up to remind me that he was a lowlife twotiming lying bastard. i never ever thought i'd date a guy like that. i used to be so secure in the knowledge that he was mine and mine alone. and that nobody, not even any excess guy hanging around me, can challenge it. what a fool ive been.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
8:37 PM
Saturday, July 24
I Keep Forgetting
If I see you on the street and start to cry
If it looks like I'm so lonesome I might die
If you can hear my heart just breakin' right in two
Remind me once again who left who
I keep forgetting
That I don't need you now
It slips my mind that I'm the one
Who said we were throughI just can't seem to remember
It was me who walked out the door
I keep forgetting I don't love you anymore
If your phone should ring in the middle of the night
If missin' you's a feelin' I can no longer fight
If I beg you please just give me one more try
Remind me I'm the one who said goodbye
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:42 PM
i was watching satc. on hbo last night. by myself. (like how sad is that?) about all 4 of them being too busy to meet up. cos of diversions like egos, babies, guys. and i felt so lonely. my girlfriends - wonder if we'll last. wonder if we'll have the motivation to invest in this friendship. as carrie says, guys die first. so we can only depend on each other. and this loneliness will only get worse, as we all grow older with more mundane responsibilities to take on. i feel like bridget jones. wailing all by myself. muahaha. only that ive got a guy. and ive got a girlfriends. and friends. and ive got family. so why do i still feel lonely..
lastnight was friday night. the night to paint the town red. yesyes and tonight i was supposed to go out with the girls. but then deb fell sick and so she cant make it. and yeah. ive never placed much emphasis on like "oh its fri night, we must go out". but lastnight it just really...was a thorn in my flesh. yes i even entertained the thought of going out with kirien my residential full-of-himself bisexual freak. whom ive NEVER met. i met him online like in 2001. thank god common sense prevailed. ohsigh. haha. well.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
3:25 PM
Thursday, July 22
he knows how much i love starbucks. so he asked me out to siglap for coffee. even though he doesnt really like coffee. then halfway i had to teach my sister math, so i got delayed by quite a bit. so i ended up not going, and he didnt mind. he just met his other friend who happened to be studying at starbucks and msned me via wireless from starbucks :) a nice light fluffy conversation which promised. and delivered!
then he came over to my place. and then we played with songs. and did silly things like look at pictures. take pictures. download pictures. critic our pictures. with a rather unflattering picture of us finding its way to his desktop. and we chatted with my friends. and basically had fun. mmhhahaa. yeaaah. and i watched him adorably exclaim over newcastle's latest signing. and listened to him read out the entire report on soccernet.com in rapid, trip-over-words form.
then we went for supper. which i always love. cos i love suppers. and i love being at simpang. and walking with the housekeys dangling between the both of us, gives a warm, if false, sense of domesticity. which i also love. lol
then we came back. and slept. him in the computer room. and me in my own room. cos we did the PROPAH thing by asking my mom for permission first and she said ok but only if i slept in my own room. and its a nice feeling; like i know its official in the eyes of my mom. beam.
when i woke, i went downstairs and brought him back upstairs to my room. where we slept some more. and when we woke up, we had breakfast waiting for us, courtesy of my mom. thankyoumom! so we sat there in silence and read the papers and had chai dau kueh and coffee. with the bali pond noise splashing in the background. ambient noises, yknow? hahaha.
then we went over to his place to watch vcds and have lunch. but we were so shag he just fell asleep while my head kinda lolled around as i laughed weakly to bruce almighty. but it was quite nice. i just wasnt energetic enough. hehe. i had a great time. yepp. i did. happy memories always last. even after everything's long gone, sweet memories linger :)
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
8:39 PM
Wednesday, July 21
but then he just called and now im so majorly cheered up. and the world seems like a brighter place. am i silly or silly... cos it was like, unstilted...!!!
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
7:17 PM
talk about retaining only the sweet memories of bygone. barely have the tears we've shed over each other dried, and im missing felix. more than ever. much as i deny it to myself. i want this relationship to work. i remember telling everybody that i'll jump headlong into this because this is what my youth should be. going with the flow; mistakes be damned. guess im not that kind of person after all. i see everything in practicalities and im just being very unsatisfied from it all. everyday i find myself glaring at a flaw in him, and then convincing myself im simply not used to someone other than felix. and then i start questioning whether this will work out. and i talk myself out of giving up on the relationship every other day. i realise to my greatest discomfort that apart from appreciating each other physically, we have hardly anything to talk about. we have alot of things in common, but we converse in stilted manners on the phone, on smses. arun once said that mark's on a rebound and so he needed a trophy girlfriend. and in some funny manner, mark is also mine. he's charming to my friends. and he treats me right. and boy, am i proud of him! but something is just not quite right. i always put it down to a matter of simply growing to love him, in every sense of the word, in due time. but i have my reservations. and greatest of all, im loathe to admit that all this may be just one big fat giant mistake. a relationship of conveniences, where two lonely people desperately looking for love, convince each other they're in love..
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
6:31 PM
Tuesday, July 20
ive been having durian for four days in a row! on saturday, my neighbour aunty nancy gave us some. then on sunday, at grandma's house uncle eric bought A LOT of durians. and then yesterday, we had leftover durians (from sunday) and today another neighbour aunty grace got us fresh durians all over again! haha. i asked my mom if it was durian season, but she says its durians all year round in singapore. but we've been bombarded by them lately! no complaints though! =P
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
9:36 PM
love?
what do you when your boyfriend asks, "do you truly love me?" what do you know when deep down inside you know that you dont love him in the truest sense of the word. yet. how can love be cemented within a span of less than 2 months. i know i've always believed in love at first sight. but that's love in the fluffy love way. not the deeply-rooted manner that i think he wants. but i cant explain all this to him, because..because its hard. because he wants so much more than i do. so i mutter out a yep which sounds me to like a yes, but also a very noncommittal yes. i dont know..i do love him, but there are different kinds of love. i love him enough to take him flaws and all for now. i love him enough to make an effort to cheer him up, to cuddle him, to moddlycoddle him. for then again, i loved felix just as much once, and looked where that all ended up in. so i love him, but love is transient. but he doesnt believe in transiency. he believes in true. love. forever. and im so sad that its innate in me to be inclined untoward all of that. who knows? a few months down the road i will discover that there's more to this. maybe then i can truly realise that im in love with mark. i hope there's a mr right somewhere out there, but along the way there will definitely be mr wrongs. so do i tell all these mr wrongs that i love them? while crossing my fingers behind the back?
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
9:57 AM
Saturday, July 17
there's this "searchpage.cc" thing that is consuming my internet explorer. everytime i log into my yahoo email account, then it will just like cover the screen so that i cant read my emails. and now its slowly extending its grasp. now its taken blogger too. i told mark about it, and he said its like his gorilla thing. this gorilla pops out and covers everything on his screen too. haha at least i see a point in this searchpage thing, because its a search engine. but a gorilla? haha weird things always happen to him..
yesterday's shopping with maggie was not as bad as the last time she came down to town. i met her at pasir ris mrt because they're all staying at downtown east ($39 per room per night on weekdays only! including 2 free passes to wild wild wet, or is it wet wet wild?). so yeah we hit the usual town places. wisma, taka, heeren, cine. its like the standard hit-town-routine for me. only we missed out fareastplaze because the last time i brought her there she looked so thoroughly bored. but it could have been a mistake because apparently, she's into this hiphop thing. and i personally took that as a slight dig at me. like "why are you not dressed coolly?". haha so i took great pains to explain to her that only poseurs with alot of fat to burn will actually wear sweatshirts and layers and layers of baggy jeans here in sunny singapore. and then she told me all the asian kids were into hiphop. and then im like sniggering to myself, because personally i see it as a manifestation of some kind of personal identity crisis. but then of course i kept mum. she's my cousin and we grew apart together. haha its only natural we have different takes on things. i was dying to know if racism rears its ugly head over there. but i didnt quite know how to bring it up. but later on, she showed me pictures of her friends and all. and all were asians. so much for assimilating into the community, and she's been there practically all of her life. got me thinking really about social cohesiveness. how people subconsciously stick to their own. i even found myself committing political-incorrectness by telling her that here its mostly the malays who bother dressing in her reverred hiphop style thing. so maggie and i pretty got along, yup only she was dressed funny. like - black adidas CHUNKY sneakers with pink lace? i guess its a different lifestyle altogether. she kept looking at sweatpants. and i wanted to look at earrings and tops. but as i always maintain, shopping in a pair is good because you find yourself compromising naturally, and there can be no face/off thing. like a "you look at this, both of us will be there" scenario.
we came over to my place after shopping and all. i bought a top from topshop. again. im always at topshop. and three pairs of earrings. i saw a pretty dress at aztecrose. but it was size M and i wear an aztecrose XS. so alas it was not to be mine. im hankering for white linen pants now. but the ones now are really baggy. and they engulf me. but im still looking. dont they always tell you at school that perseverance pays? lol.
maggie didnt buy anything though. because she didnt have money and i think she didnt want me to pay for her even though i offered. but she ate at macdonalds though. haha. strange. i dont usually pick macdonalds for lunch. but then again..haha maybe its a canadian thing. and she says the sweet and sour sauce here isnt as good as the one back there. haha interesting snippets. and she told me in austria, the macdonalds has no dustbins because the people will take your entire tray and bring it to the back. and then she told me she went to the back where she saw all the trays just stacked up with the food stuff in between. thats interesting too. and that in canada she was paid 6.50 an hour at macs. and that she gets macs at halfprice as long as she works there.
then we went for bbq at downtown east. which was a dismal affair. satay and undercooked chicken and hotdogs which arent even the kind with nice taut skins. and wine in plastic cups. then we went bowling after that, where *i* was the dismal affair. lol 48 for my first game. and 51 for the second. haha everybody just painfully shut their eye everytime i bowled..
so tired now. haha..maybe i'll spend a lazy saturday afternoon in :)
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
12:57 PM
Friday, July 16
haha we finally had a proper decent date. which in our lingo means going out on a date that doesnt involve crashing out in front of the tv watching starsports/espn/supersports/mtv/, or eating at hawker centres, or falling asleep somewhere, or running errands like buying laptops, or sending me for driving lessons, or playing tennis games (him), or watching tennis games (me). haha but then again, ive never been on a movie marathon date either. today we watched spiderman2 and king arthur back to back. i hated spiderman2; thought it was reaaaally draggy. but king arthur woke me up. i loved it! i love these epic brotherhood-ish hero-brandishing-his-sword type of shows. i had a good good good time. let loose and laugh and laugh and laugh. yeah. i like laughing. it is the sum of how good a day is.
tomorrow im going out with maggie. haha. my friends all know my opinion on her.
"maaaaaaaaaath.." i wonder what we'll do. i wonder if i'll spend all my time combatting her canadian slang with my singlish. sorta wanna bring her to china bar so i can finally go check out mark's work place, but then the both of us have a bbq to attend tonight. ahwell.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
1:35 AM
Thursday, July 15
i took the
BBC Leonardo Thinker Quiz ..
You are an
Interpersonal-Kinaesthetic Thinker:
Like to think about other people, and try to understand them
Recognise differences between individuals and appreciate that different people have different perspectives
Make an effort to cultivate effective relationships with family, friends and colleagues
Think in movements.
Like to use their bodies in skilful and expressive ways
Have an aptitude for working with your hands
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
12:45 AM
Wednesday, July 14
i went to watch mark play tennis at keppel last night. so when i walked in, i saw his dad in front of me. haha and oh - that moment of awkwardness
just ensues. how do i go up and say hi uncle. so i kinda sat there and pondered over that. for a long time. on how exactly to say hi. should i tap him from the back and say hi uncle? but that seems rude. haha tapping your boyfriend's scary patriarch dad on the
shoulder? what am i thinking. so then i couldnt stay there any longer without saying hi because its even ruder. lack of respect et all. haha SO..i got up to go the toilet. brilliant move. when i came back from the toilet, i was faced with the same problem all over again. in the end i kinda shuffled sideways up to him and said hi uncle in the most cheerful voice i could muster. his entire family was there, so lucky my dad picked me up. or another awkward ride home from them would definitely be on the cards. haha so my dad's car just behind their car..both cars speeding like mad. in the end my dad won which prompted mark to remark that my dad drove like a speed demon. waiting for him to wake up now so we can go have prata together =) *blissed*
feeling unnecessarily awkward all the time really hampers being sociable. must work on it. haha.
kwamunchai. to be brave from your heart. i got that phrase from this thai guru when i was at khaosan. i wanna tattoo it somewhere where i can feel it everytime i rake up the last vestiges of my courage to be open and friendly. but mark says enough tattoos.
will i listen?
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
10:15 AM
Monday, July 12
"Roses are red, Violets are blue. I'm schizophrenic, and so am I."
~ Oscar Levant
haha!
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
9:30 PM
flirting is such a double-edged sword. lol. yesterday this guy sorta picked me at the gym before my father intervened in a timely fashion. so i told mark that. and then he grumpily replied that "you dont get picked up if u dont allow them to." so ok, i left it at that. then today i went to the water themepark at downtown east with my cousins and my family. and all of them witnessed no less than 4 people who tried to wrangle my number out of me (awww..). but see, i wasnt
picked up. because i only have eyes for mark. and henceforth technically i didnt allow them to pick me up. as in i know mark's point was that if you dont flirt, subtly or otherwise, subconsciously or not, nobody would pick you up. but my justification for behaving the way i usually do, is that it gets me places. if it gets me to the front of dinner queues, queues for rides, extra-nice service, hey why not. in fact i was even thinking of honing this skill so that im better equipped to handle bad service in future! haha. so yeah. flirting is harmless, i tell myself. and mark was attracted to me because he said i behaved like a coquette. which i went to check up. so apparently its "A woman who makes teasing sexual or romantic overtures; a flirt."
BUT THEN later on the evening, when i went with mark to parkway to get his earring out of his infected earhole, i watched him flirt with the isabella girls so that they would be nice and take it out for him even though he didnt get his piercing done at isabella. and i watched them swoon over him amidst shooting me daggered stares. ha - and i
totally realise why flirting's so awful. its harmless, sure. but muahaha i guess everybody just wants to be secure in the knowledge that all of your partner's charms are reserved solely for you. hehe.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
1:11 AM
Sunday, July 11
today my dad shipped me off to the gym, to make himself feel better, i suspect. "haha i running at 10.5k/hr..run faster leh!" and "try this! try this!" at which i grunt and can do only 5 repetitions in succession. and then he can do like 20. and he's more than twice my age. muahaha. he IS rather fit i guess. despite the deceiving potbelly he carries around. but then again everytime my friends see my dad after one of his jogs they always comment on how fit he looks.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
1:18 AM
Saturday, July 10
haha whoa i agree with you becky. accurate to the core..
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
3:02 PM
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
3:01 PM
Friday, July 9
singaporeans are so nice. i had a bleeding nose on the train today. and the lady next to me gave me e new pack of tissues. and asked me repeatedly whether i was ok. and the aunties all kept smiling (in embarrassment?) at me. and this little girl pointed out that i missed a bloody spot on the back on my hand which i'd previously used to wipe my bloody nose.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
6:31 PM
Thursday, July 8
LOVING ONE.
You need safety in your relationship.
You want to be sure in his/her arms, knowing
that he will protect you and you can be totally
devoted to your other. At this point you are
very vulnerable. You open yourself and dont
even think that he/she could cheat you. You
totally trust your partner in every single way.
SO if you find out that she/he lied to you or
played a game this trust is broken. You may try
to forgive your other but this will be very
difficult.He/She has to be friendly and
trustworthy.
~THE big LOVE TEST!! What do you need? With PICS! For girls and boys!~ brought to you by Quizilla
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
9:53 PM
shared a freezing jacuzzi with cheryl last night. haha i cant say it felt shiok, exactly, because we
were freezing our butts off while letting the water jets pummel our fats, but then again, main purpose of it all wasnt to feel shiok. it was to feel un-bloated enough so we could go down to zouk without puffy faces or obvious paunches! =P cheryl, your token advice to me regarding felix..haha I WILL TAKE IT! thanks for being there for me. and not being too bored/impatient to hear me out, even though i have a tendency to drone and repeat myself. thank you thank you thank you.. how reading your blog alone will make up for not having you around will seem quite insufficient. heh. so we went down to zouk. phuture was effing crowded as usual. i really dont know why i go down wednesday after wednesday knowing full well im just going to be squashed and trampled on by so many taller people who dont seem to be aware that im there. muahaha. lucky i have a just-as-tall boyfriend who holds on to me. on the cab home last night, he told me that on tuesday, when i popped by his place bearing hersheys and mango juice and sneaked into his bed, and hugged him behind, it was the bestest feeling ever. hehe. ive never done something so initiative and sweet before. but now that ive got a taste of it, i know why sometimes giving is more rewarding.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
12:20 PM
Tuesday, July 6
haha 4 posts in a day! but cant resist this - deb's on normal non-awkward talking terms with me again. yipee~
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:25 PM
dear felix-whom-i-suspect-reads-this-but-claims-otherwise,
how else will you know that on one specific friday night i went out with rizuan? how come you were sitting at my computer and i went upstairs to bathe, and when i came down you suddenly asked me where i was on friday night? and how come u called me today to tell me not to blog about this thing you told me last night. you said u had a feeling i would blog it down, but could it be that you've read it online. and hence decided to call me to tell me to take it off my blog? how did u know i thought you have an obsessive-compulsive behavior? and took great pains to tell me you didnt have anything like that? because i never called you that. i only blogged it down.
love,
amanda
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:02 PM
ohyeah i met marktan at bbdc today. when i was driving out onto the main road. haha this time it was probably vibes of "ohmygod! he's lumbering AGAIN!" which made him turn around and spot me too. i can recognise him anywhere from his gait alone..
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
8:41 PM
felix called me lastnight. mm. hmmm. in essence he basically told me that *disbelief* the past 2 weeks was him trying to
test me. for him to find out how much i mean to him. which means he was essentially lying about his insecurities yada yada. in fact he admitted that it was all bullshit. and that he would rather i break up with him than he dump me. gee. at which i got VERY VERY furious. he was virtually playing me! and i fell for it all like some stupid idiot! and he's still trying to act all martyr-like? i hung up on him a couple of times. but i guess he's persistent to say the least. told me he was very very very sorry. told me no matter he loves me. still will be there for me 24/7. at which i really believed him. and then i cried for the sweet sorrow of it all. i miss so many many things that i never really thought about before. its like the past 2 years is all messed up. good and bad memories..make for a bittersweet recollection of it all. i miss him alot, sure i do. sometimes i even want him back. this is just so confusing. sigh my blog is so selfcentred. all i do is talk about myself. haha but im still keeping up with the news =) i proudly informed mark last week that male just had elections. haha and he was impressed. because he called male "male". i dont know how its pronounced, but i know its definitely not "male".
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
8:32 PM
Monday, July 5
went for auto transmission lesson at bbdc today. i knew felix was going to be there at some point or other since he has got his practical test on wednesday. so i was being, at the risk of making an understatement, rather paranoid. every pyramid-shaped-hair guy could be him. which makes for very distracted driving. luckily auto cars are a breeze to drive! and then toward the end of my lesson i was making a left turn onto the main circuit road. and he was making a left turn into the road i was on. so i saw him and kinda froze for a while. maybe i was giving out major paranoia vibes, because he saw me too as he made his turn. and then i thoughtlessly turned too. and almost banged into an oncoming car. hm. haha. i amuse myself with all this silliness..
because for the past few days i missed felix for random reasons. like how he can hang around and wait for me to get over my inertia after a meal. and how we converse in very sian tones. the comfortability (word check?) of it all. how he's like my dad, which is what i want my husband to be like one day. but then i shake myself out of this reverie. because felix will never be the same after this fight. he'll never be the felix that i knew. and that makes all the difference. the other day i saw this bitchy bitchy
bitchy side of him. and i hated it absolutely..
then mark called me and said he was in the area. and to wait for him at bukit gombak mrt. what a nice surprise! then we went to have dinner at some kopitiam before his first day at work at china bar. even asked me to go down later in the evening! lol the dear boy..i told him not today, partly because i didnt want to go see him and stress him out. first days at first work experiences are always horrible. i cried on my first day at mammalucia. when i couldnt find the bus stop to take the bus home. hehe i love it that he's very inclusive. that he involves me. yep.
my mom doesnt want me to stay in hall. says she wont know what im up to and all that. mmmmhm. well im slightly miffed that she doesnt trust me, but then again im also ok with it because living at hall also has its drawbacks. but seriously, the commuting will be terrible. its like one end all the way to the other. maybe maybe maybe *crosses fingers* they'll get me a car in time to come. that would be HOW nice..haha! i caught the "how" thing from mark. he always goes "im HOW good..." in this stupid way that makes me want to kiss him. on tiptoe of course.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
8:19 PM
Sunday, July 4
What attracts people to you? brought to you by Quizilla
but then again, in the eternal words of kimthye,
"she only thinks she's pretty". grr. that bitch of a man. lol
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
3:11 PM
Saturday, July 3
im having a horrible conversation with dennis. it terrifies me. it threw up the fact that perhaps im in love with whatever felix once lacked. and i see it in mark. and in time to come i will find mark just as disagreeable too. if that aint despicable, what is.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
2:58 AM
Thursday, July 1
ah! i predicted correctly! that portugal would win..whahaha. i should have bet man. not like i had money to bet. but still, damn i should have bet.
Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.
11:44 AM
