Wednesday, June 30

how do you get a guy off your couch?

mark came over last night to watch wimbledon. ladies wimbledon..haha. then we watched replays of euro2004. then we switched to mtv's dismissed. and then mtv's i want the perfect body. he held me from behind. and i felt so snug. then by the end of i want the perfect body, i turned around to see that he had turned onto his back, unceremoniously bumping me off the couch! *indignant* and then he slept. and i had nothing to do so i slept too. and at 5am i woke up in horror because my mom wakes up at 0530! and i had to beg him to wake up. at which he grunted a bit. and i seriously got down to my knees. and begged some more. cajoled him. nudged. hit. whacked. shout in his ear. then he sat up. and fell asleep! sitting ramrod-straight-up! after an arduous 15 minutes, i finally succeeded.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

1:18 PM

Sunday, June 27

my appeal for business wasnt successful.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

11:07 AM

one-lin·er (n) A short joke or witticism, usually expressed in a single sentence.

i think oneliners are really what determines how hilarious a person can be. i was so happy when felix once complimented me on my oneliners :) and i gave mark a greeaat one when we were in kl! oh..*happy memories* haha

anyway, i went out with cheryl yesterday and i had a really really good time. i was espousing the virtues of orchard road with her. talking about the stupid vibe and all. haha she probably thinks im mad. because..she lives there. so any vibe apparent to her would be like "the mama shop next door" calibre. haha. speaking of which, she's goin aust. next next thursday? if im not wrong? ill miss her..haha darling cheryl bring me back neutrogena selftanner so i can start significantly reducing the risks of getting skin cancer ok? so it was a good saturday out. and then i met jerry. whom i like a WHOLE lot more outside school. school has this habit of making you see everyone through shit-tinted glasses. ha. jerry's a nice guy haha and together with cheryl, the longest-standing couple i've ever known. keep it that way you guys. *wisful* its terribly sweet!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:38 AM

Friday, June 25

after 30 months of being with someone, its always frightening to realise that he's not the person he appears to be. i never knew our relationship had cracks. which makes it all the more worse. all those times i was safe and secure in the relationship, was actually groundless. felix has always appeared to be steady like a rock to me. i was always proud of his maturity and ability to make me grow up. and then suddenly i realise its all a farce. his insecurities outnumber mine. and he has been keeping all of his reigned in all these years. after so many years with me, the level of trust has evidently not been enough. which makes me feel quite rotten really. because i was believed in him to be the one secure enough to deal with MY insecurities. now i realise i was mistaken. sorely mistaken. apparently felix's ex girlfriend left him for a taller strong silent kind of guy. which kind of moulded his vision of what being a perfect boyfriend entails. so he says he has been putting up a front for all these years. strong and silent. he's afraid to let me meet his girlfriends because he's afraid ill see a different aspect to him, different from the macho image he tries to portray. he's afraid to hang out with me and my girls because he's petrified of embarrassing me. or himself in front of myself. which is ironic because i loved him enough to accept him flaws and all. coupled with a whole lot of other issues like financial woes, etc, i really couldnt catch up with him. its like i feel betrayed because the entire relationship was a farce. totally. but on the otherhand im not pigheaded to think that the demise of the relationship was entirely his fault. i kept straying. to find excitement. find love and attention. it just wasnt working. i wanted a guy who will pamper me. felix never did. i felt dissatisfied. he felt pressured. the perfect recipe for disaster. now he professes to change. he says he's goin to open up. get in touch with his inner child. but now suddenly he was been reduced in my eyes. he sends me flowers. writes me letters. but they all drone on and on about the same thing. how he's sorry he's been puttin up a front. etc etc. i understand, i really do. but i feel really really ready to move on. and there's mark whom im starting to like. who's refreshingly candid. its so ironic once again. felix is being left for a different kind of guy again. i think felix has some serious psychological issues he needs to work out. the obsessive compulsive nature that has worried me occasionally now becomes something more potentially explosive. i will always have felix in my heart. i have told becky that once. that no matter what happens, he was there during my formative years. and shaped me indirectly. but i think i must move on. and what pains me is that my best friend doesnt understand. she thinks im jumping the gun by getting with mark. which i also understand. but i wish she would be less judgemental.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

1:29 PM

its been a while. i thought of updating the blog. write down everything that has happened over the past weeks. but its a mammoth task. unsurmountable. haha so ill just leave it as that. im watching soccer with my brother now. portugal vs england. owen scored in the 3rd min but then the other side scored in the 80-something-th minute. i might as well have not watched the middle part of the match. ha. so so so tired..but im keepin my brother company. i finally tried embargo last night. which speaks volumes. because when i was with felix i was practically forbidden from there. its gorgeous! it was jiaying's birthday clubbing-lounging-thing. but we just bummed around. the same 5 people who bummed in kl. we met again and ended up bumming in singapore. muahaha. i danced with mark. he's so tall. and dashing. and ah. then i fell out with deb. sorta. because she doesnt think im being fair to felix. mixed feelings about it all.

cheryl. you gotta help me sort this out one man..

oh portugal just scored in the silver goal part. 14th minute of 25 minutes.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

4:56 AM

Monday, June 7

*hysterical laughter* ooh im going kl with sharon jingyi and jiaying this weekend. oohlala. im so excited, even though my trip is on borrowed (jiaying's) money.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:56 PM

oh i gave up my place at ntu already, so here's wishing that my appeal for business nus goes through!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:42 PM

Saturday, June 5

my grandpa's really good now. he's been to hell, but he's back, and better than ever. the pressure against his brain is relieved and now his legs are mobile, and he seems a whole lot more agile and healthy. my grandma's face has got a dozen more lines etched onto it, but her sacrifice is appreciated by him and marvelled at by us. inspiring us to somehow emulate the gentle but surehanded way she deals with crises. how her unflagging optimism cheers him up; how she still worries that her kids, all grown up now, are still having proper meals; how she selflessly tends to his needs; how he patiently waits for her to come back from dinner so she can take him to the loo...it just makes me wanna smile, and pray that i'll have marital bliss akin to theirs. a ripe union all the way till their twilight years. no matter the foul moods, no matter the worries, they have each other and the power of it is beautiful to witness..

"Nobody can do for little children what grandparents do. Grandparents sort of sprinkle stardust over the lives of little children."

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:44 PM

it happened last night again. i always have this absolutely ludicrous impulse to slide my arms through the crook of his arms, or lean back and rest against his shoulders. which is really undoubtedly categorically unmistakably stupid since i have already made up my mind to stay good, stay clean and stay with felix.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:39 PM

Thursday, June 3

the past day has been absolute hell for the family. my grandpa apparently suffered a mild stroke last evening which left him incapable of speech for a good 12 hours, leaving my grandma panicky and very very distraught and each and every one of his sons and daughters immeasurably worried. by morning today though he had recovered, but there was still the issue of a ct scan of his brain to contend with. by afternoon everyone was a wreck and when the neurosurgeon came in to give us news of the scan, my 2 aunties were too overwhelmed to cope with all. it was a doctor called dr seah who first insisted in a very very whiney voice that we all go into his office to have a little chat, including my grandma. at that point in time my aunties were all frightened out of their wits because it could only mean bad news. they werent too sure if they should bring grandma in because none of the sons were around to decide if my grandma was to be told the news. also if my grandma were to be called in, that would leave me grandpa alone to entertain all sorts of morbid thoughts which would only drive his bp us further more. so the doctor got all impatient and decided to get on with his little chat. according to him, there is a blood vessel on the peripheral of his brain which has been nicked and hence its bleeding, and the mass of blood is creating some pressure on the rest of his right brain which could prove fatal in the long run. the only solution is to um, in layman's terms, drill a hole through the skull and drain the blood. at which i desperately wished i paid more attention during bio pracs so i could make some sense of the slides he was showing us! so my aunties further unravelled right before my eyes and called down my uncle rick, so that he could take charge and make some kind of decision and further talk to dr seah. tears and emotions ran freely; everybody was tired, and even though i was worried sick, i felt distanced because there was nothing constructive i could do..emotions run high and low as everybody found something strange to laugh hysterically at, probably to relieve some tension - like how there's a sign that switches itself on when the bedrest is upright, and the sign reads "bed is incompletely down" and everyone found that stupid and inappropriately amusing. tomorrow he will most likely be operated on, within half an hour we are told, and i pray he'll be fine. when i first arrived and he opened his eyes to look at me, my aunties reminded him that i was "meng-ler" (teochew for amanda), i cried. because even though sometimes i resent him for being so uptight, i wouldnt ever want him taken away from me. ever.

and then inexplicably, i wished jiaying had made it into med fac, because then she would be one of these fine live-saving doctors. and i would have been proud of her :)

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:54 PM

Wednesday, June 2

happened to chance upon my old blog raszgoddessed.blogspot.com
and there's also raszgoddess!.blogspot.com
and raszamethyst.blogspot.com
and a few more that ive prolly forgotten along the way..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:01 PM

so last night i met up with jingyi and jiaying for urm..some..bob marley..party...haha because jingyi thought it would be odd for her to meet anton's friends on her own. i dont think we did a very good job of easing her into their conversations though, in fact actually on hindsight i reckon that if we werent there perhaps the arrangements wouldnt be so grouped up. like three of us were having our own little boisterous tete-a-tete on the prime seats of the table *haha*

in all it was a fun night out! we had very extremely crappy conversations, funny guys along with their everchanging accents which amused us so, free-but-not-so-flowing alcohol, cold (re-re-re-heated) chicken wings, sausages (long & skinny, medium or short & thick), a musical van which played phuture beats loudly, a soft stereo system which played bob marley at some point in time from deep within the house, drunken people, drinking games which paired off very nicely with oily foreheads (indian poker), a room for the 3 of us to retreat to..it was not bad at all! by 4, 5 in the morning i think we all fell asleep :)

and then at one point in time, i started thinking weird things like how precisely do people think of me. like my close friends..jiaying, deb, etc; as in i really do wonder in what kind of light they regad me in..its such a strange abstract thought but i suddenly really wanted to know. like do they think im untrustworthy? overly gossipy? nice? not nice? fat? ugly? pathetic? i guess you could say it was brought on by jiaying telling me how roy said something (presumably bad) about me, and then it caused my insecurities to surface and im positively dying to know what he bitched about me. and then at random blibs during the night we talked about sex/parents/shoplifting/growing up/love/life and then it suddenly dawned upon me that no matter how much i think i know my friends, there will always be an aspect of them that wouldnt be privy to me. and i will continually learn more and more about them as time goes on and confidences grow. and at the same time i acknowledge that friendships require effort and maybe im not exactly a great "builder" of relationships. all too often i joke around too much which bely whatever more pensive thoughts which i have and prefer to keep to myself. so maybe i should learn to open up a little bit more. that was my conclusion for the night.

yeah..hm..oh and then so my sleep was interrupted because felix decided that he wanted to send me home after all, which was rather pointless really because at 0530, i could have just slept a bit more and taken a bus back later on, but since he offered...it wasnt very nice to turn him down and also he hasnt been in a good mood for the past few days so i thought i should just oblige him, especially since i'd been pestering him all night to pick me up after he was done with work!

after waking up this morning, i went out with my family - dimsum at chinatown c(crowded!!) and then we went grocery shopping. i love grocery shopping. we bought -

6 cans 100plus
2 cans redbull
vegood mixfruit juice
bisquick pancake mix
hersheys hot chocolate mix
kraft cheese n crackers
heinz pumpkin soup
2 cartons eggs
strawberries
brussel sprouts
broccoli
malaysian (?) tomatoes
pandan leaves
french beans
corn on cob
aunt jemina maple syrup
vegood purple carrot juice
spritzer
ceres apple juice
magnolia fresh milk
7up ice
tomato sauce
clorox detergent
palmolive energy soap
herbal essence shampoo
garnier moisturizer
shokubutsu refill
pineapple
lychee

just buying vegetables and water adds up to 150 bucks. raising a family really isnt inexpensive. i wonder when i have grown up, with a family of my own, will i be able to provide for my family in the same manner my dad has quietly done all these years..?

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

3:56 PM