The gold-barr'd butterflies to and from
And over the waterside wander'd and wove
As heedless and idle as clouds that rove
And drift by the peaks of perpetual snow.

Joaquin Miller; Songs of the Sun-Lands

A wanton spirit coupled with an uncommon common sense;
Lips curled sweetly on a dozen flights of fancies around the world;
And an endless obsession with beauty, art, love and history.

The charm, of memory is that it is
choosy, chancy and temperamental;
it rejects the edifying cathedral
and indelibly photographs the small
boy outside, chewing a hunk of melon
in the dust. (Click for pictures.)

Monday, May 31

"As far as ingredients go, the hardest-to-find-item is the Thai tea leaves. Go to your local asian food store and look for 'Thai Seasoning Mix' or 'Thai Tea Dust'. It usually comes in a clear plastic brick-like bag, and looks like dark brown shredded tea leaves. The kind I have right now is called 'Police Dog Brand Thai Tea Dust'.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

11:55 PM

me and felix went to have zhi char at bedok south. and then we met the most colourful person one can ever meet at a hdb voiddeck. we met this racuous angmoh who waved to me frantically the moment he spotted us. then he comes over and sits right next to us and directs a question to fe. "you've got such a pretty girlfriend...what are doing HERE!? at blk 56!? you should be at home....having sex!" *mm* a-haha. so we were both frankly quite stunned because til then we were just sitting there peacefully watching the news on both channel 8 and channel u simultaneously (because there were 2 tv sets). so the conversation proceeds between felix and him mostly with me adding bits here and there. they talked about having sex in toilets, public toilets, but not at the ones at the particular kopitiam we were eating at because its too dirty, talked about having girlfriends and mistresses, about how the angmoh has spent only 2 years here in singapore and already he's in first name terms with the scary looking beer towkay with white curly hair sitting just behind us. he kept wanting to buy us food because he says he knows all the hawkers and amazing, he calls the coffeeshop boy yaoming and teases everybody in an exceedingly salacious but still goodnatured manner. haha. colourful character indeed. he insists he will not die from being an alcoholic even though i pointed he could her cirrhosis of the liver because he insists only hard liquor causes liver damage. instead he "remains healthy" by not smoking. i was taken back by his ability to just spout off remarks without even the least bit shy or at least concerned that his candour might possibly offend the locals. and when we made our leave, i remember walking off with him shouting "have sex! have sex!" behind our backs. how rare indeed to come across a character as interesting as he proved to be..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:46 PM

Sunday, May 30

nothing like a warm warm hot bath to perk you up. i did wake up to blue skies which quickly turned white and progressed further on to grey..haha. so a warm bath it'll have to be. to combat the cold-ish day.

strip and climb into dad and mom's bathtub. scalding hot water pounding my back. aaaah. careful to turn my face away from the steam so the hot water doesnt aggravate the blood vessels. proceed with herbal essence shampoo :) love the smell! skip conditioner because it tends to leave me with overly soft fine slippery and limp hair.

soap with neutrogena's rain bath shower foam. heavenly! water starts getting coldish because body's getting used to the heat. i realise that the heater cant be pushed anymore to the left. so i rinse and get out of the bath. towel down, moisturise with body butter. yumyum.

in general i hate to bathe because i usually bathe in cold water. (to rejuvenate and to prevent skin from dehydrating..) its rare for me to indulge in a warm/ hot bath. love it love it LOVE IT...hehe

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

7:58 PM

i am so so so tired. i hate working. when its empty i stand for hours on end, feeling the dead weight of my body strain the back of my calves all the way to the balls of my feet. and when its saturday i just keep getting into everybody's way! i feel like im being paid to just ruin the diners' dinners and the waiters' combined efficiency. im inimitably afraid of change. i dont want to learn how to serve fine dining style :( cant i just serve the bloody pasta and leave it at that? i dont want to unfold napkins and pull out chairs for their bums and then shove the chairs back in just as their bums are about an inch away from the chair seat itself. i dont want to grate the black pepper for them. and announce the stupid dessert names. and arrange utensils so that this is parallel to this and that is perpendicular to that.

the tiredness could possibly be due to the fact that ive been up late 2 nights in a row, having supper. which is not to say i dont enjoy suppers. i love suppers! :) i had a great time with rizuan the other day at simpang. mmm because im backloggin i cant remember exactly what we talked about, but it was always companionable. i wonder where it all is going to lead. im as comfortable i am with him as with any of my good friends. but therein lies the quandary. how can we remain "comfy" forever? its either we progress into more than friends or eventually someone loses interest and we both fade back into being mere aquaintances. i didnt even start out being impressed by him that much, but eventually it was his candour that charmed me as we talked more, and went out a little bit more. and i am always soothed by his presence. i remember telling him that i live following my own maxim of going with the flow. my friends all know that im general im rather easygoing, sometimes to the point of being lackadaisical or unmotivated. but really, all i want to do is take things as they come. right now, things between us are great and as far as i know it, a whole lot more platonic than before. its great. sometimes i do wonder what will happen in the future? but thats not for us to decide. time will tell.

tomorrow is sunday, generally known as our day. today inexplicably i miss felix alot. in fact i cant wait to see him, but now that im sorta down in the dumps maybe ill spare him my moroseness. we shall see. tomorrow morning, if i wake up to clear blue skies, there may be a fightin chance that ill snap out of it. lol and i always feel comforted by the fact that he's always true to me. i wish against wishes and hope against hopes that someday i will be able to give him the same time of reassurance he gives me. yup

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:56 AM

Friday, May 28

i had to work this morning at 0730 for a breakfast function for citybank. so my dad fetched me and turned that i was early instead. so i sat down at the kopitiam and had a teh si ka dai. and then opposite me there were ALOT of well turned-out jap ladies milling around with their kids. (robertson quay area being top choice for jap expats.) so this giant school bus revs up. and suddenly en masse all the pretty jap ladies with nice ceramic curls all waved at the school bus with tinted windows. bidding their children goodbye. singaporean moms dont do that..how hellokitty cute. they bring cuteness to everything they do, even parenting.

and then on my way back on the train, there were UWC junior school kids on the train. 3 cute little girls with adorable giant eyes. clutching a map of the mrt system route. and checking ever so often which stop they are at. "11 more stops"..."10 more stops"..its so cute. apparently its a school project to get them aquainted with public transport because they were jotting down the names of all the stops in their cuute little handwriting and i peeked at their teacher's clipboard and i saw something like "and reach pasir ris mrt where you can visit macdonalds and the likes". haha we never had that in pri school. we all went to the zoo because it was educational and filled up our young zoologist cards. while they get to explore the mrt line and visit macdonalds. and they were reading woman's day magazine. the three girls who couldnt have been more than 8! so adorable. and talking knowledgably about the movie fifty 1st dates, music, what marykate ashley wore to the xxx awards etc...i cant help but feel that they are in a league of their own. because they are so much more streetwise than the average 8-year-old singaporean kid.

but then again, it could be that kids these days are growing up faster. when i was in kindergarten i read enid blyton books. dinner at 1pm. gnomes, dwarves, fairies, kick-a-lot shoes, etc. nowadays they are reading marykate ashley books where they drift from boy to boy, dates to dates, hip event to yet another hip event. so yeah...maybe..

i wouldnt mind reliving my childhood for the sheer joy of comparing. "in those days...".."back when i was a kid.." now i know why adults constantly rehash all their memories, its to reassure themselves that they arent losing out on things. as everything advances, we tend to hark back on the past and convince ourselves that "back then" everything was more pure more wholesome. so that we wont feel cheated of a better childhood simply because perhaps we've been born a decade too early?

my baby pictures show milkbottles. plain milkbottles. milkbottles these days are soo pretty!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

3:32 PM

Thursday, May 27

ive had so many comments on my mole that i decided to see what it means. my mom says it means i eat alot. my grandpa says its good because it means i will always have food to grace my lips. some people say it means i gossip/ bitch/ talk evil alot. or simply talk alot. hehe. but most of the time i dont really mind what it means because my mole has been with me all 19 years and i couldnt imagine me without a mole above my lip. mm in fact it doesnt bother me unlike what some people think. the fact that my eyes skim over it when i look into a mirror attest to that. sometimes im even glad i have a prominent but not so ugly mole because people remember me easily.

"A mole on either of the lips gives a happy, sunny nature, combined with a certain amount of sensuality and indolence. Those who have a mole so placed are fond of the good things of life, and often turn a deaf ear to duty if it conflicts with the pursuit of pleasure. They are inveterate and ardent lovers, and yet their constancy is not above reproach. If the mole is large and on the lower lip this omen has a more sensual significance; the women who bear this mark are often heartless flirts, the men libertines.

If the mole is on the upper lip, greater delicacy is shown; although the nature of the subject is sensual, it is modified and controlled by refinement and good taste.

A mole on the upper lip of a woman denotes that she lives in luxury and wealth. Sexy in nature and sweet in talk and smiles, capturing the attention of others.

A mole on the lower lip of woman signifies that she is a glutton with unsatisfied sexual desires or is hyper-sensual, fond of luxurious and beautiful things. A good and sweet art of speech. phew i escaped being a glutton and sexually-unsatisfied woman by a few cm!

A person having moles on any part of the lip is loveable and liked everyone and is fond of delicate things."

i guess im happy that my mole means good..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

2:47 PM

yesterday i met felix in the evening. mm good food, cheap wine, cigs and a very very cool night conspired to make it a good night. mm i was a little disgruntled about him and me splitting the bill exactly down to the dot right up to the tip we left. umm..as a general rule, i dont really like it to be so 50-50. i know, i know..daughters of a better age..filiae melioris aevi...rgs has taught me so many things, amongst them chiefly being that we are as good if not better than men. so why cant we pay our own way? but my rule still exists in this woman-eat-man world. its a rule catered to make MCPs feel like gods. i dont mind paying or treating him, but i dont like it when its split. exactly. into half..

which reminds me of the awfully embarrassing situation at macs with ri today. *makes a face* i was so gleeful because i dont know, we were going to have cheap fast food so yipee that means i have finally a chance to pay for my own food (since he's always paying for me) and maybe pay for him too! so i had 10 bucks with me. and i was so happy. he offered to pay ofcourse but i triumphantly proclaimed my ability to pay. then i walked up to to macs counter and then i suddenly got worried because since when were the extravalue meals so ex? haha so i think, nevermind i will just not get a meal for myself then i can still afford to pay for him. then he comes up and tells me he wants to upsize this, change this to that..and blah...hahaaha and i give up my noble ambition of buying him anything and he paid for our meal. again.

arrgharrgh..im so broke its pathetic...ive no money for ezlink card. or my yahoo auctions. or even to pay $10.50 to retrieve my pin number at bbdc. all the money my mom has given me, has been blown on food. italian and then french.

so in a bid to rectify this financial ditch i am in, im working at fuenti. and today was my first day at work. its so much easier to work in fine dining vs a cafe. firstly, people eat much slower so the turnover rate is lower, hence you serve less people on any given night. secondly, you dont even have to collect the food from the kitchen. or pass the captain's order to the kitchen. the kitchen runner does all of that. third, you just have to keep refilling the wine glasses of the patrons. and they drink really slowly. brilliant. fourth, there's no mass order. so maximum i bring out 3 dishes at any one go. fifth..gosh the list goes on. but i miss the bustlingness of my old workplace. more lively, less poseur. you wouldnt believe the amount of gossip i gleaned from these mediacorp people today. all these midddleaged ladies, all rounded from rich food sitting there and talking and gossiping about tattoos pilates atkins diet etc etc and ofcourse the mandatory solitary guy sitting there with the 5 other women.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:49 AM

Wednesday, May 26

haha and i also came across another thread where this guy is seeking help for a place to bring his gf for a date to commemorate their one-mth anniversary. haha! everyone's tickled pink that he wants to celebrate his one-month anniversary because that was what we all did when we were 15 or 16. and they keep warning him to "keep low" or he'll risk spoiling the market for his 1st-year! haha...

http://www3.icered.com/icered/home/forum/threadList.jspa?forumID=3&threadID=52807&tstart=0

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

11:55 AM

i was browsing through the forums and came across a thread on the notion of having a perfect girlfriend/ boyfriend/ husband/ wife/ marriage/ relationship. and this comment made me smile!

"It's that perfection is what you make it. She thinks his unnatural obsession with action figures is cute and he thinks that they way she keeps crashing the PC is amusing (by the way, they got around that problem by getting a mac instead)... If you can make so-called problems into endearing qualities, what's to say someone can't be perfect?"

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

11:43 AM

Tuesday, May 25

becky really makes my day. ive all but forgotten how i used to land up in school on mornings feeling utterly depressed and she would never fail to cheer me up. so i was feeling crummy over my very dismal options and she managed to make me feel like getting arts and soci could be the best thing that ever happened to me!

thank you dear girl..i really really appreciate it..

so anyway, im making money from yahoo auctions now. by selling all of my clothing. its working! *yipee!* ive earned about 50 bucks from it so far. haha-ha..but by the same account, i spent 36 of the 50bucks on an abercrombie top i saw on yahoo auctions too and hence negating the profit margin.

oh yeah by the way, i just got a part-time waitressing job at fuenti. im going italian, again..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

5:56 PM

yeah and i heard that there are 2 routes to banking/ finance sector. first is through business of course, and then by way of economics and math (arts soci).

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

1:35 PM

mm well i got offered nus arts and social sciences and building and real estate. and ntu business. what a far cry from my original choice of nus law! *scoffs at myself* i remember becky telling me getting into uni is not usually a problem; its just getting into the course you want that will prove to be a headache. and i remember thinking hell, im happy just to qualify. but i guess along the way, ive set higher standards for myself, and again i fail to meet em. daaamn. so now..i dont know which to accept. um, people tell me ntu business is good. supposedly even better than nus business according to some, but i dontknow..i dont know if i wanna commute all the way to ntu. and i have heard stories about it being cheena. and i know its such a stupid shallow reason for not wanting to take the course up, but..i..just dont know..haha

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:00 AM

Monday, May 24

hyperventilates. a fellow yahoo-auctioner just told me that the dress which i want soo badly was actually in the stores TWO MONTHS AGO. and that it SOLD OUT PRETTY DAMN FAST. which means I CANT GET IT ANYMORE. except on yahoo auctions. but she's selling a size S and im pretty sure i wear an fcuk XS. fuck lah!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

5:37 PM

im back to my preferred driving instructor. aah, utter bliss. i learnt a few things today -

once upon a time, there was a driving instructor who brought his trainee out to mt faber and they had sex in the car, and then she told her bf and together they reported him to the police for rape, even though it was supposedly consensual. so he was forced to resign and the car was hauled away by the police for semen-testing or something. when bbdc got the car back, they rearranged all the car numbers so that nobody will be afraid of the semen-ed car. haha! why would anyone be afraid anyway?

and that majority of the guys working there met their wives/ girlfriends at the driving centre.

and that singapore's prettiest girls all go bbdc to learn driving hence the jobs there are highly sought after.

and that motorbike instructors are only paid 30bucks more per session even though the teacher-student ratio is 1:5 and they are under the hot sun and rain all the time. and that the guard jaga-ing the place earns 2000bucks a mth, and has accommodation and food all paid for.

and he also dropped into the conversation that if i was ever interested in any instructor, he will "intro" me to him.

haha! its such a funny place..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

2:13 PM

Saturday, May 22

i had lunch with my mom today. we rarely eat together even though we're usually at home, together, at lunchtime. so she cooked teochew porridge. and we had 4 dishes. spinach. long beans. tofu. and this other veg which i couldnt really identify. ohyeah and we had salted egg too. so we were just taking a very long time eating and picking at our food and before we knew it, 1 hr passed. so thats 1 hr of eating bland food which we, oddly enough, love. then she told me all sorts of stuff about my dad teaching her how to drive when they just started dating; how she wasnt warned not to just step on the accelerator; she stamped on it actually, and the car zoomed into a giant longkang. and they were in ulu pasir ris then. and a lorry happened to pass by and used ropes to haul the car out. all these little stashes of anecdotes make me think less of my mom as a woman who sometimes reminds me of an aging hippie and more as a woman who once was radiant with the blossoms of youth and newly acquired womanhood. all coy and blushing and dating boys. wearing pretty dresses and linking arms with my daddy!

"Love is the word used to label the sexual excitement of the young, the habituation of the middle-aged, and the mutual dependence of the old."

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:50 PM

it was a grrreat day out with deb and jiaying. it warrants a much better blog entry, but i have to blog now or i cant sleep due to residual excitement haha! so we popped over to mammalucia's new brazilian side at robertson walk and ate hell alot of meat. (i pee-ed just now, and i swear i can smell the distinctive urea smell of partially digested meat argh!) so these nice boys walk around and offer us meat on skewers. topside of beef. pork ribs. lamb chop. chicken heart. chicken. pineapple (yes, pineapple, which incidentally was my favourite part of it all..haha!) the atmosphere was brilliant because joe the musician was beaming and singing and there's a new musician too. so double the merry-making! haha and pappa gave us complimentary lattes and coffees on the house. and between the 3 of us, we had this brazilian apperetif starting with c. campa-something. and we had 2 shots of b-52, and a midori sour. and a blow job. and damn we even brought our own mangoes (courtesy of deb) and had the kitchen cut em up for us. served on ice no less. we met up with sharon who served us haha and she's looking good. and sex-maniac jingyi who joined us for drinks after that, as we sat outside the main dining area, and gossiped and bitched. it was a hot night, but it was alright sitting outside. because there were too many mad italians dancing and singing and yelling and brandishing skewers around singing italian songs inside and making a huge ruckus. haha. customers are always right yes? we also met up with rosmah after that and it was nice catching up with her. sweet rosmah who's dating 34-year-old-brazilian carlos. and its just a night to remember. my senses being assaulted first time in a long time. lovely companionship, with deb being back and seeing jingyi and sharon and rosmah after such a long time since i unceremoniously bummed myself off the staff roster at mammalucias! haha. and even the skewer guy james thought i was hot! *beam* we spent a whopping $212.12 between the 3 of us. which is alot considering im so-freaking-broke. ah. i love my girlfriends.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:23 AM

Friday, May 21

ahaha i thought of for goin for a job interview for receptionist at a matchmaking agency at katong mall. haha! its called coupling international. im just goin to pop over later and check it ou...muahaha...so interesting. the pay is nothin to shout at. $400 + $10 per walk-in customer. but like thats so fun. haha

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

10:20 AM

Thursday, May 20

i wanna buy this dress so so so badly :(

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:46 PM

"Jasmine leaves the wackiness of the red couch to take the stage. If she has trouble hitting a high note tonight, it may be because that giant flower on her blouse is cutting off her air. Is that a virtual lilac? It's virtually adorable. Whoa! Double shot! Another Idol first! Jasmine singing down on Jasmine. Wonderful! And the waist chain is back. I don't know what that adds. Maybe it's a Polynesian tradition." - televisionwithoutpity.com

everybody loves to hate jasmine because she hails from exotic hawaii where we all secretly wish we were, frolicking in the warm waters (or are the waters cold there?) and she's got nice hair when its not crimped, and a nice smile, and an ok voice which sounds pretty good when she sings amongst so-so singers and absolutely flat when she's with the likes of *cheers* fantasia!

i love fantasia!!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

8:49 PM

so yesterday was the last. absolute last.

i was waiting for fe outside zouk, so i was walking past these malay guys and i yawned. and this guy shouted out, "oh! she's tired! yawn so big! must have had a long day!" and i just grinned and resumed waiting. then he popped over, and says my dress is nice (it is! haha), and then he interrogates me on why exactly im waiting alone.

guy: so why are you alone?
me: im waiting for my bf
guy: oh! the world world is a sadder place now..
me: haha
guy: guys should never let girls wait
me: i agree haha
guy: im osmar (or oscar? or osman?)
me: amanda
guy: so your friends just left u here waiting alone?
me: uuhh...actually i was with a guy..and my bf is coming..so..
guy: aaaaaaahh *chuckles* so let me get this story straight. you were at where? phuture? all hot and sweaty and bodies grinding and bumping and u were with a guy?
me: no!
guy: ahhhaa dont lie im a guy i know these things and your bf was sitting at home, worrying about you and thats why he decided to call, and hence had to offer to send you back..you know..to see if you're being good
me: ahahaaa..no la, he was at work...*cut off halfway*
guy: AHAH! thats why u grabbed the opportunity to go clubbing when he's working!!
me: no!! *keeping in mind i dont really know this fella, but damn he's funny* i was just going to say its probably convenient for him to pick me up after work
guy: bullshit
me: haha good imagination ah u *hp rings and i realise that felix is already there waiting for me and i din even see his bike go past*

psychic encounters always leave me mortified

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

5:09 PM

Wednesday, May 19

ri wrote me a poem. at first i didnt know whether it was just some song lyrics, because as u know, im do hopeless at recognising melodies/ lyrics..and i didnt want to embarrass myself by gushing over it in case it did turn out to be one. but i kept re-reading it and it was wonderful, it really was. and i dont know how to tell him how incredibly happy i am with it, and how it means alot to me, to know that there's someone out there cherishing you, thinking youre special, even if you belong to someone else? it is very selfcentred - wanting to be loved always..but it is human to err. and being addicted to being loved is my greatest folly.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:51 AM

Tuesday, May 18

eh? im on a roll. saturday, angus. and today, dennis. mm, im meeting all these people whom i thought were fine boys. gushings to which my girlfriends can attest to. haha! well anyway, i saw him outside bbdc and i was with fe and i was so mortified because we've been messaging but at the same time, i cant really claim that we know each other well..so i just said hi and kept it at that. haha. so fe says he looks like an ahbeng with big teeth. and kept making stupid jibes about me liking fair boys. it depends on who la..! hail all the cheryls and joeys of the world. if i had an ounce of their sassiness i would be joking glibly with him for another 5 more minutes! haha..*slaps forehead* why am i like thaat..?

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

7:03 PM

Monday, May 17

my driving instructor is a horror. the first lesson i had with him which was last friday, i distinctly him saying (to himself, presumably about some other instructor) "dont horn horn horn. if he horn somemore i will become horny". so i told fe and we dubbed him the horny instructor. then after that friday, i had an entire week's lesson by a nicer chap. but this week its back to mr horny. so anyway we pass by this muslim family. and he tells me to "stop and give way to osama and his family". so um, of course i do. then we drive along the roads somemore, and he looks out of his window and comments casually, "children nowadays are so obese. look at her!" *jabs finger in poor primary school girl's direction* and so this tirade of political incorrectness goes on and on for the entire 100 minutes. he even went on and on about my butt being too large and hanceforth insensitive to the road's gentle gradient. "cant you feel its sloping down!??!?!" "um..no?" *shakes head* i have another 4 more lessons with him this week..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

7:46 PM

admiration is always welcomed. when i walked out of my gates today, and fe whistled at me above the roar of his engines, the sense of being appreciated is so undescribably nice!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

7:35 PM

last night i was feeling hot and bothered. and nobody could cheer me up or take my mind off the cloistering heat. except rizuan with his irreverant stupid lame jokes. which never ever fails to make me laugh. does that make me lame too? or does that make him irresistable? (haha!)

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:01 PM

Saturday, May 15

went shopping with cheryl. that girl....*sigh*...is al-waaays late! hahaha but im a patient waiter, i think. i dont get grumpy waiting for people anymore. take things easy. she comes, she comes. she's not there, just bum and people watch. no point losing hair over lateness. because i understand why its so easy to be late. so i had a good time with her. shopping and stuff. and then after she dragged us into mango and bought her blue sweater, now i want the PINK one. ah-ha. nice work, cheryl..lol and then i got a dress from topshop with discount from ri. thank you so much! sweet guys always make me feel guilty. er like im somehow using them.....(?) i found a hairstyle that i think will work on him. but er, forgot to give the pic to him. oops. and then she left. and i lost my hp. which happened so...mysteriously that till now i dont know how i got it lost and all. and its so depressing because i was just going to trade in that phone for a newer model..and now i dont have anything to trade in. damn.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

11:15 PM

yogaffinity

sounds really really good, especially the beginners' package

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

2:27 AM

i know ive written about this before, but ever once so often, i will browse some of my exclassmates' blogs and feel pangs of regret for not making into rj/hc..and not being as closeknit to their circle of scholarship-chasing friends. they have all moved on in life. internships at prestigious places. while im the quintessential blacksheep. even the way i blog pales in comparison to them. such a loser..ha~ and here i am worrying about my hair..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

1:47 AM

i watched calendar girls today with jiaying! on the way there, we met minzhi...haha its such a girl-pow-wow show, all sisterhood-till-youre-wrinkled..that its not that unfathomable that i meet an rg girl on her way out after watching the same shoe! its such a fetching show..they're gorgeous with their cellulite and saggy tits. and so girlishly coy beneath their "sensibilities" brought on by years and years and years of living in "the right way". a very nice show indeed. and the men of knapely, england all seem to be good blokes. all prodigiously supportive of their wives. which brings me to mind, a friend of mine has enlisted my help to get a perfect gift for his girlfriends. all together now, soo sweeet...! i love guys who surprise their girlfriends like that..hehe, for no rhyme or reason (i presume) since he didnt say anything about a special occasion..

so then we had white bait salad at baker's inn which consisted of rocket salad, some cheese and tiny fried pieces of white fish that looked like ikan bilis. at which we both realised that bait probably meant like the real bait to catch fishes, when we were both assuming that white bait was some fish with extraordinarily white flesh.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

1:11 AM

Thursday, May 13

okkkiiiiieee i bumped into aaron today, and he just gave me a call to tell me he didnt like my hair - the colour. apparently its too ahlian. ohnooo... and that he preferred it when it was burnt and dried and fizzy. oh-*holds breath*-kay! is it a general consensus? or is it just stupid aaron who doesnt know healthy hair from fizzy hair?

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:21 PM

our mortality is something we rarely contemplate. we really should think about it more. think of "what-if"s and then maybe we will all treasure life that teeny weeny bit more. vita brevis.

i guess what im trying to say, is that suddenly im struck by the rumination that the people i know and love will not necessarily always be hale and hearty forever. and its a sobering thought.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

3:32 PM

Wednesday, May 12

i wanted to meet up with ri today, catch some makan or something because he rarely gets morning shifts and because well i do miss him in some ways that fe will never understand. so of course i know that i cant tell fe that because there is a certain line that girlfriends should never cross and that particular line advocates against hanging out too much with another guy. put in a similiar situation, i wouldnt want fe hanging out with too many girls too often either. and most of all i didnt want to lie, and make fake excuses for going out with another guy. i dont want to be leading some kind of illicit two-way life again. and therein lies the dilemma, being true to the guy i chose and maintaining a basic decency in being a friend. i dont believe in ditching friends just because im attached, and sometimes fe has forced to make decisions i regret in which i relinquish guy friends simply because they liked me. (emmanuel) so this issue has being pingponging across my mind for the entire day which explains why i was so distracted for the most of it..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

8:25 PM

Tuesday, May 11

lately ive had cravings for yoghurt milkshakes icecream fruitshakes and all sorts of goodies. mm, i had another of those discourses on relationships with de through friendster. im amazed at the sheer amount of transparency that goes on between our correspondences and yet we hardly know each other from school. isnt it weird how things evolve?

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

12:58 AM

Sunday, May 9

ohh...*groangroan* my dad woke me at 8am today because i somehow managed to call out to him in my sleep to tell him to buy tissue prata for me for breakfast, and he was fussing that the tissue prata is going to un-crispify and hence i should wake up ASAP just to eat it. i had a craving for tissue prata ever since someone pointed it out to me a few nights ago.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:25 AM

Saturday, May 8

on the brighter side of things, ive lost a kilo of water (i presume) over these 2 days

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

10:24 PM

yest i had a mindjiggling talk with ri. n i really appreciate him, i really do. despite the age thing, his discourse on relationships seems a much more mature perspective than my own.

im back with fe. he says he couldnt believe how ready i was to give up such a long relationship, and that he was silent because he was angry and simmering still. we threshed out so many things amidst so many tears of mine. and i swear he teared a little too. and i love him still, but its gonna take so much more effort.

and im hurting people all over. im so messed up. to ri, im sorry..

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

10:20 PM

think its properly over now *despondent* me and my fatheaded stupidness

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

3:29 PM

Friday, May 7

i miss him now and i wish he were here with me teaching my sister math

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

10:23 PM

today was bad. i walked out on fe in the movies. and it was all my fault. the quarrel was all of my own doing. and i dont know if im sorry. i know i should be, but i dont know if i am? i wished he ran out after me. but he didnt. guess life aint like the movies. maybe i should just be single for a while. god knows i havent been one since a freaking long time. wistful. fe is a great guy. but we just arent clicking of late. i dont know why. maybe its just me. sigh

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:39 PM

Thursday, May 6

mmmm im back from thailand! the trip was awesome! and peoplewatching...ohgod. so interesting. such a change from peoplewatching back in sunny singapore haha. the sheboys and the way their every action is meant to provocate. meant to seduce. meant to exude heightened feminity. the gorgeous thai girls with their albaster complexion. and fe and i kept comparing em to our local girls. the gays and the nonchalance in the way they flaunt their gayness to the entire world. the thai students in their impossibly tight and sexy school uniforms. (they wear heels to school!)

and the backpackers scene was so lively..i wish i could do something like that *wistful*

things werent so rosy between the both of us though. we had frequent bouts of coldwarring. in which for some stupid reason, we would just stop talking to each other. the first memorable one was when i dropped his toothbrush or something. and he later on clarified that he was angry not because i dropped his toothbrush but because he specifically told me to "open my eyes and dont drop anything in the toilet". and i think to myself, how da fang can a guy be if he is petty over such silly things. and we didnt talk for the entire morning. just walked in stony silence. and he didnt look back once. i could have dropped dead behind him and he wouldnt have known.

more of those little petty things occurred later on in the trip. and they werent pretty. its always me who starts sliding my hand into his. initiating the end of it. it sounds incredibly childish but im sick of it and i wish he would dote on me a little more. cherish me. or at least give me the illusion that im the world to him once in a while.

he wanted to give me um, a portrait (nonono, actually, a caricature) for my birthday. maybe im just not appreciating the "romance" of it all, but a caricature..hello? that was what my dad gave me eons ago when he wanted to joke around with me. even my dad had the sensitivity to buy me an icecream cake for my birthday. and i wasnt even around to celebrate it with him! i know the old adage about the thought being all that counts. but sometimes what i want is just some bauble. something nice that he makes an effort to purchase for me. not some 45baht thing..

my birthday was nice, having dinner with ling and becky and cheryl and jerry. ling seemed a little distant, older, more jaded. i really must make an effort to keep up relationships. i wouldnt want anything to wither away just like that. its hard to make friends these days. its easier for me to get a date then to get close girlfriends. is it a phenomenom happening to all girls? or is it just me? becky gave me a book and i really appreciate it (thank you dear i know you always have my best interests at heart) but i reckon its going to take me quite a while to get through it. but i promise i will..hehe. .and jerry looks better. more nanrenwei. ah yeah....dunno why but im quite all chinese-y tonight. hehe. and thank you dear cheryl for getting me that top. didja know i wanted to get that exact same top at MBK in bangkok? but it was quite pricey la..after conversion and all. thank you everybody :)

thank you becky SO much for doin it for me. i loved it.

and jiaying too. hahahaha...for lying to me that my anneklein bag is SOLD out. and got me all disappointed. and then she presented it to me outside phuture. and got me so worked up. and hence we have invites for zouk this sat. (all because of my "cheerfulness" according to the zouk man. is that fine and dandy or what? :P hahaa..and ri for making my bdae a bdae to remember. he is an awfully sweet guy. veryvery sweet. even though jiaying keeps going on and on about how ugly he is. happy birthday to him too.

and i would be lying if i say i wasnt disappointed fe didnt play a more......active role in making me happy on my birthday. in fact he was even commenting on me fluffing my hair up at bangkok airport. said i was insecure thats why keep preening about my hair. i may be insecure. but therein lies the point. insecure people do not like people telling em they are insecure. that hurt me alot. and thats my biggest memory of what he did for my birthday. i recall thinkin that the trip to thailand would either make or break our relationship. gotta mull over it.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

9:37 PM

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No traces left of all the busy scene,
But that remembrances says:
The things have been.
- Samuel Boyse

Prattle-time :]