The gold-barr'd butterflies to and from
And over the waterside wander'd and wove
As heedless and idle as clouds that rove
And drift by the peaks of perpetual snow.

Joaquin Miller; Songs of the Sun-Lands

A wanton spirit coupled with an uncommon common sense;
Lips curled sweetly on a dozen flights of fancies around the world;
And an endless obsession with beauty, art, love and history.

The charm, of memory is that it is
choosy, chancy and temperamental;
it rejects the edifying cathedral
and indelibly photographs the small
boy outside, chewing a hunk of melon
in the dust. (Click for pictures.)

Thursday, August 28

just had tuition. i much prefer having tuition at home. more relaxing. i kinda just sit back and moop around til he dingdongs. tuition was pretty good today. could answer most of the questions on the paper he assigned me to do..hm, good. im getting on a roll. first i pass math for the first time in a damned long time. haha im pleased as punch, and i have no qualms about making that known to everyone. haha! i passed math! and darn well too!! :P and then i can do the chem tuition thing without having to consult him excessively. so that's a pluspoint. relaxed atmosphere makes for good conversation too. so..yeah, had cloyingly good fun.

while showing him the other side of my house (he always comes in from the mrt-walk-through-an-estate way) which had more signs of life like 7-11 and mahamoodiya, i met shane. so i had company on my way back too. he makes for a good neighbour, actually because..he's laidback and pretty much respects my personal space. that's important. personal space is highly valued in my opinion. anyone who shoves his way into my life will hastily be shown the backdoor.

emity! beam. ling is absolutely adorable. i dont think she really believed me when i told her that her unintentionally actually made the whole thing more meaningful. its like a part of our silliness has transcended even onto our sisterhood ring. and silliness is a big part of us. at this point in time, anyway. haha. im wearing it now! im revelling in childishness lol

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

10:02 PM

Wednesday, August 27

and because im rarely online these days, i shall grab this opportunity to air my grievances. lol. if u cant take it, look away. its not pleasant. im a whiner at heart. first it started with feeling weird. feeling weirded out. alienated. and i perceived myself as being very..drifter. like i belong nowhere. and everybody just accepts me because im there. but not because they actively seek me out. so that alone is easily a blow to anyone's ego. then the eating disorder blew its ugly head. eat, get depressed, cry. eat, get depressed, cry. its a vicious cycle. i know if anyone can help me, its myself. but do i make an effort? blooody no. i sink deeper into depression and damned, when i look back, i hell am ashamed of myself. i failed to realise that people around do care. im just oblivant to everything in my preoccupation with my (un-justified) misery. and then shingles came about. it was uncomfortable. painful. ugly. i was a nervous wreck. i obsessed about missing classes. i worried incessantly about the possibility of being scarred forever. am i not selfish? i am unhealthily too selfabsorbed. its embarrassing. but i shall berate myself here. where no one knows. felix called so many times. but i sometimes just dont want people hanging all around me and asking if im hell. because i sure hell am not. i hate having to make excuses. to act like im still cheerful despite the odds. i like people to think of me as undefeatable. cheerful all the time. but it gets tiring. so i avoid. and avoid. 1 missed call. 2 missed calls. i sure gave the people around me a hard time. i had fever and headaches so frequently because i suppose my body was fighting the pathogens. and i didnt get much studying done. guilt attack. and i could spill all these to nobody. it was torture. small things began to annoy me. the clouds appear to have passed momentarily. the nose is recovering nicely. even though i am still sensitive about comments about my diseased nose. i thought the guys in class would be mean about it. but they surprised me with their restrain and tact. appreciate it really. and the girls have rallied around me. it just makes me feel so awful for being so.....awful. i sure am a classic case of teenag e angst wrapped in this selfish, self-pitying shell. i disgust myself! now i have to learn to be more mature. appreciate the people around me. in particular i was unexpectedly touched beyond words by zx noticing that i havnt been in school. i thought, well..he wouldnt really care less, would he..why would he..right? :) ohyes and just off the cuff, its felix's birthday soon :) i have a vague idea of what i want to get for him because we've been around town so often that i more or less knows what he wants...but..for some very odd reason, i want to get something as a surprise. but how!? everything that i think he likes, he would already have pointed it out? so my present to him would just be a run-of-the-mill kind.. like, "remember the thing you said u liked? well here it is.." sigh plus i have no idea of how much my budget for the present should be because..he hasnt given me a present save for the bangle-bracelet thing which i really cant judge the value of. so..um i dontknow...how much should my present cost? people say love conquers all. go with the flow. you'll know deep in your heart. well, yea...but there is a certain etiquette i should follow isnt it? im proper! haha

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:33 PM

it does! it does! it works. man am i good. no, wait. its blogger's that behaving. aint got an ounce to do with me and my merits. lol. mock bio tomorrow. im nowhere near completing the syllabus. i should be panicking. squerilliously making my way through the longman bible of biology for A-challenged students. but im not. ha...later, later.. the night is still young...

i will even miss hollandv. i promise!

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

6:03 PM

wonder if blogger works again. dont die on me. i probably should relinquish this need to spill my innermost thoughts to blank cyberspace..but hell, ive got way too much to get off my chest. let me roar! ha-ha

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

5:59 PM

Wednesday, August 13

excited about the new "sisterhood" we're forming. ha-ha. is terribly kitschy. kiddy. ..juvenile,even. and so exciting. and fun. and girly. i cant decide which is which. smile. sisterhood. the security from knowing you're amongst people who know you. understand you. love you. kindred spirits. we all need to kick our heels off, revel in female companionship. through failed relationships, though happy times and bad times alike. we need to peer through fingers and wonder at the fastpaced speed at which life is passing us by. we need to lie down and stare at the stars and reminisce about good old days. we need to laugh and yell at each other's jokes and little secrets. idealistic, no? perhaps. but still, its a little fantasy. and im bubbling all over with excitement over it.

Swirls and whirls
and butterflies.

4:25 PM

Links

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But that's another story.
- Rudyard Kipling

Archives

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No traces left of all the busy scene,
But that remembrances says:
The things have been.
- Samuel Boyse

Prattle-time :]